Saturday, January 19, 2013
Over the last few years, I've been in agony over a lot of things. I've lived life on autopilot, stressed out, dead in my spirit, just like a zombie-no life. Some things I didn't really stress over though, but they've been lurking around in my mind. One of those things is marriage. Now I've never had a real boyfriend, never been on a real date (unless I count that "relationship" back in college that God told me to leave alone in the first place). But that's never really bothered me. One thing I've been aware of concerning myself is the weird ability to take on other people's realities, especially when it comes to dating/marriage (I've done this in other areas of my life, which has caused me much grief). But back to the situation at hand. I've bought CDs and books, and watched Youtube videos of preachers preach about how God can bring two people together in marriage, what the role of a wife is, how we're supposed to carry ourselves as single women. I've seen the beautiful wedding photos of couples I've never met, and talked to couples I do know about how they met (I do love hearing couples' love stories:)). But for me, I think that has been a hindrance more than a help, because now all I can think of all the scenarios in which God is going to bring me to my husband (or vice versa). Well, no...I shouldn’t say that they’ve been MORE than a hindrance. I’ve learned several lessons by watching and listening (but that’s another post). I'm not obsessed with it (but maybe subconciously, I am...). I don't want to, I don't try to think like this, but those images are there in my mind. I know that "Mr. He"(just made up that name) won't come yet, because God is still preparing me. I don't moan and groan about a husband; I don't ask God "WHYYYYY???" or "WHEEEENNNN?" Why? Because I know God's answer already. I know that I am not ready yet-this isn't the season for that. Some people would say "Don't say you're not ready, God can bring him sooner than you think!," but I know that I know that it's not the right time. I know my relationship with the Lord, and because I've been through some things with the Lord, I know the answers without even asking God the questions aloud.
So now that I've pinponted my issue (I knew that I had this issue of taking on others' lives, but wasn't sure how to name it), I can bring it to the Lord. And I am. Right now.
"Lord, I need to be de-programmed. I don't know all that the de-programming process will involve-my appetite has been suppressed for the past week (not sure if that has anything to do with this process), but Lord...You knew my need even before I came to You. I've been so full of other people's dreams, realities, so full of their own lives, I haven't even realized that You have a life for ME that is totally different from anything that I've ever watched, read or heard. Lord Jesus, please forgive me for not trusting You. Forgive me for not understanding that I am different. Lord, help me to have pure motives when I do things (minister through dance, talk to people, etc.) and not think that "Ohhh...maybe my future husband sees me doing this," that he's in the shadows, waiting to emerge. Maybe he is. But Lord, it's not for me to have these thoughts rolling around in my head all the time! I need and want to trust You, so no more purposefully looking at (single) Christian women books or blogs for a while. It's time to de-program. Show me what You need me to do, Lord, and with the Holy Spirit's help, I'm going to do it. And Lord, I pray for my other SICs (sisters in Christ) who are in the same boat as I am. I pray that they would emerge from the pits of living vicariously through others' lives and rise to let YOU write their stories. In Jesus' name... Amen."